Well, this is overdue. After being hired and working as a customer service representative, my fears of the future were somewhat proven.
I want to blame having a full-time job as my block to continuing my growth in literacy. It’s amazing how deflated my once swelled-beyond-capacity-mind feels shrunk to discombobulated thoughts and long pauses with the token word still unfound.
I stopped living my dream, and that’s on me. I haven’t stopped trying to understand and consume tidbits of what could help me know myself and the world better, but my failure in recording my findings disappoints me.
What nudged me back to the keyboard was my decision to not give up on my dream, despite the encroaching dread of being trapped in the capitalist workforce agenda. It’s annoys me how simple it can be to open the laptop and write, yet for months I haven’t bothered. Here and there I edited recent novels I wrote after college, but mostly I reread them a few times and brushed off the action of progress.
There’s a lack of confidence in me as well, and I think it pushed me away from my passion. After graduating, I’m not forced to read piles of novels and partake in riveting discussions about them. With the lull of intellectual stimulation, I’ve lost some assurance of my credibility.
Accountability is something I feel contributed to my lack of confidence. It’s on me to read the piles of books and bring up discussion about them. It’s on me to write continuously and curate topics of interest. All of that, I can be very comfortable with, but I think there was a deep struggle in balance. Going from overwhelmed with literature to making it fit in my 8:30 to 5 work schedule isn’t taught.
Self-confidence is vital to making things happen and bringing accountability to yourself. Over this last year, I’ve built up more confidence as I’ve at least acted (most times) in a way that makes me proud of myself. At times, I think we live in a world that makes losing self-confidence more obtainable than gaining it.
It makes me worry that fear drives us more than love; however, I know perspective is everything, so I have to believe there are more instances of acceptance, kindness, and love. When I view the world from that lens, my day is one thousand percent more productive and enlightening, even if it was just as mundane as the others where I let the pessimism creep in.
Not to be basic, but TikTok has kept the faith of humanity in me. There was a video of a woman, whom I’m paraphrasing, saying ‘your perception of me is a reflection of you, and my reaction to you is an awareness of me’. Brilliant in my opinion. (I will try to find this video again and post it.)
The key in my tribulated success is not taking other people’s opinions personally. To be honest, I get complimented ever day when I help customers, so that does give a boost, but it’s mainly because I am kind and informative. I usually brush those comments off, which is a terrible habit. Usually, what I think when they are said is ‘it’s the least I can do.’
Turns out, being empathetic is the most you can do as a human. Sometimes it takes me a few a while to remember to brush of the opinions of others, but it settles every self-conscious dread or bout of anger that arises. When I circle back to an instance that bothered me, I try to understand they are projecting their thoughts and opinions through their own experiences and tribulations, and they may be living a very different life than mine (and that’s okay).
I hope I can help you feel lighter about the heavy loads of everyday life while trying to continue with a passion. People are inspiring, and I’ve enjoyed getting to speak to different people on the phones every day. Mainly, it’s been a pleasure writing for a semi-local newspaper. I say that because technically it’s not local to where I live, but it is in comparison to the grand scheme of things.
I met a mother of five who just opened a business and still works full-time for an insurance company. She is resilient, as many of the women in my life are. The only thing we truly can do is live each day fully and know that we are capable anything. We truly are.